The Zionist Handbook: A guide to defending Israel against Mean People

In the past few years, Israel has faced unprecedented criticism for killing children, bulldozing homes, ethnic cleansing, land theft, anti-Black racism, a discriminatory legal system, continued settlement building, violations of international law, lobbying to bomb Iran and general unpleasantness.

What follows are 23 handy arguments you can use to counter nonsense such as facts and evidence in defense of fair Israel’s honor:
  1. But … but … everybody else does bad things, too!
  2. Democracy. We have it. You don’t.
  3. The Holocaust!
  4. When logic and facts have gone against you, proclaim, “You’re being really mean!” (Note: if you are a white woman, it is recommended that you cry at this point.)
  5. Gaza has tunnels! And rockets! How is our army, with its $15 billion annual budget and nuclear weapons, supposed to cope?
  6. Nuh uh. G-d said so. It’s all right there in the Bible.
  7. I’m the victim here!
  8. HitlerHajjHusseiniProtocolsGarbleGarbleHitlerHusseiniHitlerHitlerPalestineHitler
  9. Terrorism! Oh so much terrorism! Teeerrrraaaah! T to the E to the R to the R to the O to the R to the I to the S to the M. Did I mention terrorism? (Note: spelling out the word also conveniently implicates the International Solidarity Movement in terrorism).
  10. Anti-Semitism!
  11. EVERYTHING. YOU’RE. SAYING. JUST. ISN’T. FAIR. (Note: This is a good time to bring up anti-Semitism again).
  12. Look, buddy, if the ADL says it, it must be true. It’s a civil rights organization.
  13. Hamas!
  14. This conversation is making me uncomfortable. (Remember: it’s all about you and how you feel).
  15. But we love the gay people!
  16. The Prawer Plan is inevitable: tribal peoples have always stood in the way of progress.
  17. My grandparents may be from Poland, but my ancestors are from Samaria.
  18. Should Americans give the land back to the Indians? (Note: This argument will be especially persuasive with liberals, who, while professing loud support for Native Americans, find the notion of empowering Indians or ceding any of their privilege to be comical).
  19. Hey, we only tried to steal 54 percent of your country back in the day and you, like, got all mad about it.
  20. Einstein, Arendt and Buber were simplistic thinkers compared to Dershowitz, Horowitz and Friedman.
  21. The Arabs used to eat matzo ball soup and kreplach before we introduced them to hummus, falafel and tabbouli.
  22. There was never a Palestinian state. Ancient Israel, on the other hand, wasn’t just a biblical epoch, but a member of the UN in good standing.
  23. We are a light upon all the nations. Now if you would kindly quit singling out Israel

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"The old will die and the young will forget"

"The old will die and the young will forget"
David Ben-Gurion, the founder of Israel, in 1949

Jerusalem is the capital. Palestine, currently under occupation, is located on the East coast of the Mediterranean Sea, West of Jordan and to the south of Lebanon. The territory of Palestine covers around 10,435 square miles.